I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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