i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
