Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
