so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
