There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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