just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
