I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
FUCK WHALES
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