Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
