the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
