wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
