omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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