he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
