Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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