You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
