They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
