from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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