Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
