Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
