i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
