my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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