he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize