I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
