you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
