I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
