you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
