if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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