he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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