i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
