Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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