my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
