Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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