ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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