Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize