I wish I could punch you in the face.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
