I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
