Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
