ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
