And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
