That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
