I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
