it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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