Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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