Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
