Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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