I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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