It's Friday. Sex?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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