Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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