ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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