Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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