my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
