if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
