anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You're like the curious george of whores
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
