Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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