You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
