Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
