Your dad touched me again.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
