nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
