Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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